According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
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Oh the world we live in…
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Barbie gone wild
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.