The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy