According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
You Might Also Like
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science