The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
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Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
A bold strategy
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.