@AmnesiaRose: According to WebMD, this hairy thing on my chest is a cat
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@Elizasoul80: My child: Mom, there's a monster under my bed. Me: "That's impossible, they're all running for president right now."
@CornOnTheGoblin: "someone broke into your room... and peed on you while you were asleep" me: that's right, officer
@TheMichaelRock: [at interview] Interviewer: tell me a little about yourself. Me: I'd rather not. I kinda want this job.
@chimneyspotter: DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male's efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain [me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]