A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
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Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert