Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
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[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!