@peachesanscream: Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
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@robdelaney: “Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
@existentialpink: yesterday my mom stopped to help a stranded motorist who couldn’t get his car to accelerate, and kindly informed him that he needed to stop trying to rev the engine, as it was flooding his fuel line with gas. he told her didn’t need a lady’s opinion. anyway his car caught fire
@nonchalantnacho: Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There's lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
@kellyoxford: 7yr old "Do women get their periods on weekends too?" Me "Yes" 7yr old mutters to herself "Jesus Christ"