Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
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Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.