Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
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My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”