Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
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I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper