Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
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@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?