“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
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You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
My birth announcement for our third baby
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Just how popey was the pope today?
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas