My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
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[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*