I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
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BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
got so much cardio in today
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?