@omgthatspunny: Accountants have the toughest job in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
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@miniwheats2012: The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand
@UncleDuke1969: Me: Tell me about your weekend. Bob: Why? You never ask. Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative. Bob: That's disgus- Me: It worked! Bye.
@Sanbel11: You haven't Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
@PostCultRev: DATING PROFILE: I'm looking for a partner in crime FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor