@omgthatspunny: Accountants have the toughest job in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
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@ComedicBust: Our eyes met. Our hearts touched. He was the one. We fell in love. He used a flash mob to propose. I'm single now.
@Dis0beyJay: [ First Date ] Her: So you're a MMA fighter? * flashback to me kickboxing a mannequin at Nordstrom's * Me: Yea, I'm still training
@max_pad21: I failed my Driver's test. Driving teacher: "What do you do at a red light?" Me: "I usually respond to texts and check my Twitter."
@MindyFurano: my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)