I am HOWLING at this
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Do robots dream of electric sheep?
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.