Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
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(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out