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I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F