TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
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i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
yeah not falling for this one
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”