Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”