Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.