This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
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me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.