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my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.