I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
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The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
How do you milk an almond?
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
groan^2
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…