Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
You Might Also Like
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.