Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
You Might Also Like
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
My purse is deeper than some people.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL