I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
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Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.