@sunexplode: Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
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@NJPsychDoc: My stages of drunk: 1. You're UGLY 2. You're HOT 3. You're BEAUTIFUL 4. Your HONOR in my defense......
@AndyAsAdjective: Boss, I can't come in today. Got a bad case of- *puts hand over phone* -what was it again? Daughter: Boogeritis. *to phone* It's Boogeritis.
@InternetHippo: before twitter: i’m the most miserable person on earth after twitter: i’m…not even in the top 50%