@sunexplode: Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
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@dumbbeezie: When someone tells me they're sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
@Reverend_Scott: WIFE: Please stop. ME: Stop what? WIFE: Singing in the shower. ME: What's the big deal? WIFE: You're scaring everyone at Home Depot.
@rockymomax: ME: (doing stand up) GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato* GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato* GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato* GUY 4: what the- GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man