@sunexplode: Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
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@QuietPsycho: When you're dead, you have no idea you're dead. It's only difficult for other people..... Much the same as when you're stupid.....
@sixfootcandy: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What's up?
@badbanana: If you tell me you're a fan of One Direction, please clarify if you're referring to the boy band or Kim/Kanye's baby.
@Carmel_Coleman: Had a girl say "I want you to treat me like a virgin" So I sacrificed her to a tiki god and threw her in a volcano.