Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
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The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Thursday
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped