Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
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[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.