*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
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[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.