@donni: Actions speak louder than birds (except for parrots)
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@david8hughes: [cops knock on my door] "Sir?" "Nobody's home." "Who said that then?" "My dog." "Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?"
@fridaycandy: At a job interview: "What are your strengths?" "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker." "Give me an example" "When do I start?"
@themafinch: My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
@LuvPug: My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, 'you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can't see it? That.'