A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
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when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
This is why I hate group projects
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27