Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
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[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.