Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
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TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Never ghost your hitman.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Good advice.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon