@garrettbarry70: 'Active' shower gel because I have no idea what active smells like.
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@david8hughes: "So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?" "The usual, self defecating." "Ha, I think you mean deprecating." "Think all you like."
@NicestHippo: TRUMP: I just killed & ate a homeless man MEDIA: You're a monster TRUMP: This sort of political correctness is what's ruining our country
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday? Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug. 4: You told me not to lie.
@daemonic3: In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.