[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
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“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Banana is the quietest snack
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”