Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
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[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Bartenders are just boneless bars
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Fight
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao