God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
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I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Mornin
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.