[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
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My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
me adding lol on a serious message
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.