i need a six-month vacation twice a year
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I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
yall want some gasoline milk
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.