I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
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Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
wtf management?!
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos