Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
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I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night