Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
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the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
O Wise One….