Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
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My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.