Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
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Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.