“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
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Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
*limbos under the caution tape
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.