“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
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The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Duolingo getting serious.