Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
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[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
philosophical skeletons be like
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*