Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
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I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Smile they said.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?