@Skullcat: Actually, I'd rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I'm going in there, because HELLO PIE.
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@LuvPug: Penguins can't fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don't have to clean penguin shit off my car.
@TheRolo: Nurse: You can come inside now. *Stands up* *Dusts off jacket* *Straightens bow tie* *Fastens cufflinks* *Ahem* "That's what she said"
@joemcshutup: Taylor Swift told Vanity Fair she's not a "clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend" through various voicemails and texts at 3 AM
@FilthyRichmond: Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don't know what they want or how the world works.