Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
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I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.