Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
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Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*