Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
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Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.