Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
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If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Those are good neighbors.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
it is time once again
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.