@MikeBigby: Actually Jesus wasn't the carpenter, Joseph was. You're thinking of the Carpenter's Monster
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@ThisLocalHater: [Therapist’s office] Husband: She takes everything, literally T: What do you mean? *Me walking out the door w/ the floor lamp I'm stealing*
@QwertyJones3: Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck? Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
@T_N_Crumpets: Lady: he's so mysterious Lady2: I wonder what he's thinking [Me, just wondering how easy it'd be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]